Coming
to a Theater Near You…The Lord of the Duckies!
[2003]
It began
with the forging of the great bathtub toys.
Sailboats were given to the gourds:
Immortal, wisest and fairest of all plants.
Buckets to
the carrot lords:
Leafy topped
and dwellers of the tilled soil.
And
soap--soap was gifted to the tomato who,
above
all else, desires neatness.
For within
these toys was bound the strength
and
the will to govern each race.
But
they were, all of them, deceived;
for
another toy was made.
In the
the
Dark Lord Larry forged, in secret, a master Duckie.
And
into this Duckie he poured his silliness, his
absurdity
and
his will to dominate all bathtubs.
One Duckie to rule them all.
One by one,
the free counters of the kitchen were drenched
by
the power of the Duckie.
But
there were some who resisted.
A Last
Alliance of vegetables and fruits
marched against the armies of Mordor.
And
on the tiled slopes of
for
the freedom of the kitchen.
Victory was
near,
but
the power of the Duckie could not be undone.
At the
height of the battle, the Dark Lord Larry appeared at the head of his army. The
sight alone was enough to stike terror in the hearts
of his foes. A tall cucumber, clad in bright colors, and with two fearsome
plungers sticking out of his head. He held the Duckie,
giving a heart-stopping battle cry as he swept the free vegetables back with
his slushy-filled super soaker: "I...am...that...VILLIAN!"
It was in
this moment, when all hope had faded,
that
Isildur, son of the Asparagus King, took up his
father's towel. He swung the heavy wet cloth at the Enemy, knocking the Duckie to the ground. The Dark Lord gave a shriek and
vanished.
Larry, the
enemy of the free vegetables of the kitchen,
was
defeated.
The Duckie passed to Isildur,
who
had this one chance to destroy silliness forever.
But
the hearts of asparagus are easily corrupted,
And
the Duckie of power had a will of its own.
It betrayed Isildur to his death
And some
things that should not have been forgotten,
were
lost.
History became legend, legend became myth,
and
for two-and-a-half thousand years,
the
Duckie passed out of all knowledge.
Until, when
chance came, it ensnared a new squeaker.
(My precious...)
The Duckie came to the creature Gollum, who took it
deep
into the pipes of the
And
there, it consumed him.
(It came to
me, my own, my precious...)
The Duckie brought to Gollum unnatural long bath-time.
For five
hundred years, it soaked his mind.
And
in the gloom of Gollum's culvert, it waited.
Silliness
crept back into the forests of the world.
Rumor grew
of a soap-bubble in the East,
whispers of a nameless giggling.
And
the Duckie of power perceived:
its
time had now come.
It abandoned
Gollum.
But
something happened then, the Duckie did not intend.
It was picked up by the most unlikely vegetable imaginable:
(What's this?)
A pea, Bilbo Baggins from the gardens of the Shire.
(A duckie?)
(Gollum's cries in the background).
For the time
will soon come when peas
will
shape the fortunes of all...
__________
The Dark
Lord Larry had been defeated, but he was not destroyed.
Long he sat in his jacuzzi,
building strength for the day when his chance would come. At last
his servants brought him word: The Duckie had been
found, and was now in the hands of small pea in the gardens of the Shire.
Larry called
to him his most powerful servant, the Tomato-Wraith, lord the nine dread bars
of anti-bacteriel soap. The cucumber gave the Tomoto-Wraith his orders in a fearsome song:
I must have it. I must get it.
You must go and get it for me.
If you want me to be happy,
Then you'll
show me you adore me.
Don't rest another minute
Till it's sitting here before me.
If you wanna
do your best,
I would suggest you go and bring me
back that Duck.
"But
sir, if I could jog
your memory, you already have quite a few bathtub toys," the Tomato-Wraith
ventured. He gestured to his nine bars of soap and the buckets that the Dark Lord had
taken back from the carrots.
But
the Dark Lord was not impressed.
"I don't like these, I don't
need these,
I don't want
these any longer.
My affection for those bath-toys
Isn't getting any stronger.
To say I can't
have what I want,
You couldn't
be more wronger.
Don't ask me to explain--
There will be pain if you don't go
and get that Duck."
The cucumber
turned away from his servant. "Our conversation is over.
"
"Did
you say 'wronger'?" the Tomato-Wraith asked.
"What? I dunno. Perhaps."
"It's
'more wrong', not 'more wronger'.
"
The Dark
Lord Larry turned, terrifying in his furiousness. "Well, it had to rhyme. Don't question the Dark Lord's grammer! Now GO and GET THAT DUCK!"
_______
In the land
of the Shire, young asparagus heard a knock at the door. Without waiting for an
answer, the one knocking flung open the door. Standing there the asparagus saw
a grape with no eyes, but wearing a large pair of glasses. He was dressed in a
brown cowl, and held a tall wooden staff.
"Who
are you?" asked the asparagus.
The grape
replied, "You remember me, Junior. I am Gandalf. That
slightly odd wizard who shows up every so often to tell you things."
"Ah
yes, well, what is it?" Junior asked uncertainly.
"I have
to tell you...a little story," said the grape.
Gandalf
began to sing a slow, mysterious song:
There once was king, a very bad king.
He had a lot of
toys, and he loved to take a bath.
He made himself a Duckie
with a power over all
Yes, there once was a very bad king.
There once was a king, a very brave
king
He defeated the bad king, and took
the Duckie from his hand.
Yet that brave king was defeated by the power of the Duck.
Yes, there once was a very good king.
And so that day, the bad king's Duck
Was lost for long ages.
For what does he search, have you
guessed?
To fill the whole world with
bathtubs?
He needs the great Duck of power.
He needs the great Duck of powER!
The bad king needs, to rule the lands
of the kitchen, the very very potent Duck.
Junior
exclaimed, "But it's lost, right? No one will find it, will they Gandalf.
Will they, Gandalf?"
The grape
replied with a chilling finale to the song,
"O Junior Asparagus,
You...own...that...Duck."
Junior was taken aback. The Duckie
of power? The thought had never occurred to him. What would this mean?
What would become of him? What would become of his Duckie?
"The Duckie must be destroyed. You cannot squeak it. None of us
can." Gandalf told Junior urgently.
"Then
what are we waiting for?" cried Junior. He picked up the Duckie and looked about for a way to destroy it.
"It
cannot be destroyed by any arts we here possess," Gandalf said.
"There is only one place that it can be destroyed."
"Alright,
name the town. I'll be on my way first thing in the morning!" Junior said,
undaunted. "Where is it? Bree? Michel Delving?"
"That
place is the bathtub of
"What?
You don't want me to go there. You don't know what Mordor is like. Perhaps you've
never been there. Well, of course you haven't--a
wizard like you would never go to a place like Mordor.
Or for that matter, neither would an asparagus like
me. Ha ha...ha....heh."
===============
The Precious Song
Narrator:
Our curtain opens as Gollum, having just finished his morning fish, is
searching for his Ring. Having no success, Gollum cries out
...
Oh, where is my Precious?
Oh where is my Precious?
Oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh,
where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where oh, whee-e-ere...
is my Precious?
Narrator:
"Having heard his wonderings, Biblo Baggins
enters the scene. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Gollum in
his front yard, Bilbo regains his composure and confesses ...
Gollum, that old trinket of yours ...
Well, you shouldn't use it, you don't really need it.
So, well, I'm sorry ... I didn't know. But I gave it to my nephew - 'cause he's my heir!
Narrator:
Feeling a deep sense of loss, Gollum stumbles back and laments
...
Not fair! Oh, my
Precious.
Not fair! My poor
Precious.
Not fair, not fair, no heir, not
fair, no where, no heir, not fair, not fair, not faa-a-air! My little Precious!
Narrator: The end!